2 minutes to midnight.

(it’s actually 12:53 but i’m being symbolic.)

i watched part of the returns with friends, but now i’m home alone. my body is vibrating with anxiety and i feel speechless, but my mind is also bombarded with thoughts, scenarios, ideas, what could happen. what won’t happen.

  1. hope for an early death. like tomorrow, ideally.
  2. turn away from the world. disconnect everything. pretend it didn’t happen (as much as I can, anyway.) become one of those people who doesn’t know anything about the world outside my little apartment box. ignore everything else.
  3. but no. i have friends who do not have that luxury. African American, Latinx, Muslim, LGBTQI, people I love and will not and cannot abandon to whatever this turn of events throws at us.
  4. become fire. scream and rage and not let anything happen without a battle to the death.
  5. become love. perhaps the hardest choice of all. proven tonight, there are many millions of people for whom racist, misogynist, fascist ideas are absolutely not deal-breakers when choosing a President. The idea of approaching them with kindness and generosity is beyond me at this moment. I could look upon them as dumb puppies who poop on the rug because they don’t know any better. but they are goddamn adults and i will rub your nose in that shit because you should  know better. oh wait this really belongs under #4. Oops. Gonna have to work on that love thing.
  6. Become a drug addict. I understand there are a lot of opiods to be had quite easily. Maybe look into that. It would bring up a lot of other problems that would be more distracting than worrying about this piece of shit and everything he’s going to rain down on us.

done with listing. i just don’t know. i just don’t know. I never wanted kids and now i’m even happier with that decision because all the parents i know are tying themselves in knots worrying about how to explain this to their kids.

aside from the damage being done to our country at large, i am overwhelmed with outrage at the idea of Barack Obama having to hand off the Presidency to this horrible troll, the man who was instrumental in trying to discredit his legitimacy with all the birther bullshit. this fucking enrages me more than just about anything.

i’m lucky to live in the blue bubble of Chicago. I’m lucky to be a white person with a decent job and health care coverage. i’m lucky to be menopausal. but so many people aren’t.

i am scared as shit. but i will do what i can. i will do my best. Sometimes i’ll be fire, sometimes i’ll be hiding under the covers. sometimes, if i’m lucky, i might even be love.

i hope we can get through it together.

2 minutes to midnight.