Anxiety manifests itself.

And by that I mean I’ve been stuffing my face lately. This is the first time in about a year and a half that I feel like I’m losing a bit of control over my food intake. I’m always wanting a snack, something to crunch on, something that tastes good. I’ve been giving in to the urge too often. I slacked off on logging my food right before I left for Italy and it took me a couple weeks after I returned before I forced myself to get back to it. Has there been a single day since then that I came in at or below my daily calorie goal? No. Who cares? Well, I do (or at least I should) because I believe that logging my food has been crucial to my weight loss. It forces me to think honestly about what I’m eating, and the reality of those calories.

And I know the reason why I’m feeling this way — I’m trying to manage a large amount of anxiety about my future and eating is my drug of choice. I have three weeks of work left, so I’m preparing my resume and my portfolio and starting to look for other potential jobs. These are all pretty low on my list of things I enjoy doing, and it brings up all kinds of doubt about who I am and what I’m capable of doing and what do I want to do, and the fear of economic uncertainty that I’ve been taught is a fate worse than death.

So instead of accepting that uncertainty and feeling it but still continuing to move forward, I’d rather eat a whole pizza while mainlining X-Files episodes on Netflix. (I can still enjoy the anxiety of government conspiracy and unexplained phenomena, I guess.)

I guess it’s a good thing that I actually recognize that this is what’s happening. The first step is knowing you have a problem. I need to find some discipline, and some alternate coping methods. I think part of the anxiety is just waiting for these three weeks to be over, so I can get on with the next part.

Whatever that might be.

Anxiety manifests itself.