Anxiety manifests itself.

And by that I mean I’ve been stuffing my face lately. This is the first time in about a year and a half that I feel like I’m losing a bit of control over my food intake. I’m always wanting a snack, something to crunch on, something that tastes good. I’ve been giving in to the urge too often. I slacked off on logging my food right before I left for Italy and it took me a couple weeks after I returned before I forced myself to get back to it. Has there been a single day since then that I came in at or below my daily calorie goal? No. Who cares? Well, I do (or at least I should) because I believe that logging my food has been crucial to my weight loss. It forces me to think honestly about what I’m eating, and the reality of those calories.

And I know the reason why I’m feeling this way — I’m trying to manage a large amount of anxiety about my future and eating is my drug of choice. I have three weeks of work left, so I’m preparing my resume and my portfolio and starting to look for other potential jobs. These are all pretty low on my list of things I enjoy doing, and it brings up all kinds of doubt about who I am and what I’m capable of doing and what do I want to do, and the fear of economic uncertainty that I’ve been taught is a fate worse than death.

So instead of accepting that uncertainty and feeling it but still continuing to move forward, I’d rather eat a whole pizza while mainlining X-Files episodes on Netflix. (I can still enjoy the anxiety of government conspiracy and unexplained phenomena, I guess.)

I guess it’s a good thing that I actually recognize that this is what’s happening. The first step is knowing you have a problem. I need to find some discipline, and some alternate coping methods. I think part of the anxiety is just waiting for these three weeks to be over, so I can get on with the next part.

Whatever that might be.

Anxiety manifests itself.

It’s a weird thing. . .

. . . when you’ve worked somewhere for 17 years and then suddenly you have an end date. It’s less than a month away, yet it doesn’t feel quite real yet. I try to imagine not going to that office every day and it’s freeing but also terrifying. That’s a long time in one place, especially in the economic world of the last 10 years. Not that this place is remotely like it used to be. In a way I have worked for a few different companies over those 17 years, as one parent company gave way to another and to another and each made their own changes. But at the root, the work was always more or less the same.

The last time I did any serious job interviewing was in 2007-2008, right before the economy collapsed. Do I remember how to do it anymore? I was never particularly good at it even at the best of times. And now it’s a completely different process — online portfolio, resume populated with the proper keywords, etc. I suppose “knowing the right people” is something that never changes. That’s always been my favored tactic and I suppose I’ll make use of it now.

My brain has started making plans for my upcoming time off, but ultimately the ideal is to have as little time off as possible. My financial wiggle room is not endless. The bills will all still be due, whether or not I’m getting a paycheck. I dream of taking classes, getting more regular exercise, doing volunteer work, and even doing some deep cleaning/organizational stuff at home. But getting another job will have to be my primary goal. Or in absence of that, finding a box of money somewhere.

I’m so glad I took my trip to Italy when I did. If I hadn’t, then I would feel obliged to postpone it in an attempt to be practical, and then who knows when I would be able to go. It feels like a bookmark in a way, my reward at the end of an era, and a new one is about to begin.

It’s a weird thing. . .

2015 Reading List Update

Currently reading:
England’s Dreaming: Anarchy, Sex Pistols, Punk Rock, and Beyond by Jon Savage
The Black Banners: Inside the Hunt for Al-Qaeda by Ali H. Soufan
The Judgment of Paris: The Revolutionary Decade That Gave the World Impressionism by Ross King
The House of Medici: Its Rise and Fall by Christopher Hibbert

Countdown City: The Last Policeman Book II  by Ben H. Winters
Fodor’s Italy 2013
Italy 2013 by Rick Steves
Carsick by John Waters
It’s So Easy (and other lies) by Duff McKagan

2015 Reading List Update