😩 oh wow i can use an emoji in my subject line.

*This is not a solicitation for diet or exercise advice. Keep it to yourself.*

***

In the process of keeping myself safe from the virus, I feel like I have also betrayed my body. Lockdown has made it easy for me to let my worst tendencies take hold. My tendencies to be sedentary, to hide, to snack, to bury myself in distracting habits that require little physical effort. Ten months in, I’ve gained weight. I don’t know exactly how much, because I don’t weigh myself anymore, but I know it’s a lot. I know I’m not the only one who has, and I’m not here to compare myself with anyone else. I’m only comparing myself with the person I was ten months ago (or really two years ago, when I was in a huge grief spiral for a long time and started gaining weight back then). I know I’ve already lost an incredible amount of stamina. I think about how much I used to walk every day and now just walking to the mailbox a few blocks away and returning home is an EFFORT. It embarrasses me to say that, and my reflexive response to that emotional/psychological/physical discomfort is to avoid it even more, which is the exact wrong response.

There was a brief window during the summer when I exercised at home every day for a couple months, but then, like always, I drifted away from it and haven’t been able to push myself back into it. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I FEEL BETTER WHEN I DO IT AND I FEEL LOUSY RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN’T MAKE MYSELF DO THE THING THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. (I know, it’s called depression.) I joke that I’ve turned into a potato, but it’s almost not a joke anymore.

I made a decision about a year ago that I wasn’t going to diet anymore, because it never worked and it’s just a tool of The Man to keep me down. My feelings about my body right now aren’t going to change that. HOWEVER, I do need to get myself moving again before it’s too late.

😩 oh wow i can use an emoji in my subject line.

2020 Reading List – the final update

I’m always astounded at people who can tear through hundreds of books in a year (even a high two-figure list is impressive to me.) Not just that someone was disciplined enough to find that much reading time, but even if I did manage to read that many books, I wouldn’t remember a thing about any of them, and if I don’t remember reading something, what was the point? I read a few more books this year than last, but I had a hard time focusing on the book at hand so it took me a long time to get through anything. Losing my daily commute also eliminated a lot of my regular reading time.

My favorite book this year is What It Means When a Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah. It was published in 2017, but I came to it through Kara Brown’s book club, “Read a Book with Kara” and GOD I think about this book almost every day. I’m not usually a short story person, but this collection is one of THE best things I’ve ever read and I cannot recommend it enough. Every story is completely devastating. I know I’ll read this again. Probably multiple times.

Currently reading:
A Promised Land by Barack Obama
Lovecraft Country by Matt Ruff (re-read)
Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks
Everybody Loves Kamau! by W. Kamau Bell
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (re-read)
Crackpot by John Waters (re-read)
What It Means When a Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
How to Take Awesome Photos of Cats by Andrew Marttila
Winter Counts by David Heska Wanbli Weiden
Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson

2020 Reading List – the final update

2020 Reading List Update


Currently reading:

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks
Everybody Loves Kamau! by W. Kamau Bell
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (re-read)
Crackpot by John Waters (re-read)
What It Means When a Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
How to Take Awesome Photos of Cats by Andrew Marttila
Winter Counts by David Heska Wanbli Weiden
Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby

2020 Reading List Update

2020 Reading List Update

Currently reading:
How to Take Awesome Photos of Cats by Andrew Marttila
Winter Counts by David Heska Wanbli Weiden
Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks
Everybody Loves Kamau! by W. Kamau Bell
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (re-read)
Crackpot by John Waters (re-read)
What It Means When a Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

2020 Reading List Update

2020 Reading List Update

Currently reading:

So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
Crackpot by John Waters (re-read)
What It Means When a Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks
Everybody Loves Kamau! by W. Kamau Bell
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (re-read)

2020 Reading List Update

just what everyone wants to hear, a story about a dream

I had such a vivid dream last night.

I’d been feeling very “stuck” for the last few days. Unemployment + pandemic has left me trying to find some daily routine that sits somewhere in between constant job search and watching movies on the couch all day. 

I think yesterday, after four-plus months I finally got tired of being at home. I wanted so badly to be somewhere else, to look at something else besides the stuff in my apartment that just reminds me of everything I could’ve done in the last four months, but haven’t. While I scroll through instagram platitudes telling me “it’s okay to just rest” and “you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing” and “fuck captalism, take a nap.” I laugh.

Anyway, my dream. 

I was at home (because where else am I?) and when I looked out the window, I was living in a different neighborhood. It was really colorful and there were lights everywhere, it was like downtown Chicago turned into Tokyo. I ran downstairs and went outside, even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to (the reason seemed fuzzy in my head). But it was so beautiful. There were big holographic videos in random places and huge colorful murals. There was a mural on a wall in between 2 buildings that were so close together I couldn’t figure out how they could’ve painted it. There were a lot of people outside too, but I wasn’t concerned about that. I kept wandering, find more and more things to look at. Then I realized it was getting very late and I made my way back home.

I wanted to go somewhere else, so my brain gave me somewhere else to go, even if it wasn’t real.

just what everyone wants to hear, a story about a dream

2020 Reading List Update

Currently reading:
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou
Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks
Everybody Loves Kamau! by W. Kamau Bell

2020 Reading List Update

2020 Reading List Update

Currently reading:
Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries by Tim Anderson
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyrou

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes

2020 Reading List Update

2020 Reading List Update

Currently reading:
Obviously: Stories From My Timeline by Akilah Hughes
Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah
Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide to Life with Your Cat by Jackson Galaxy

Read:
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly
Vulgar Favors: The Hunt for Andrew Cunanan by Maureen Orth
Five Minutes to Kill by Fred Stoller
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Electric Heir by Victoria Lee
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

2020 Reading List Update