I’m on my last day of four days off work. I had initially planned to go home and help Mom do some packing for her upcoming move. But on Monday morning the roads were bad and after some debate with her I conceded and gave up the trip. Which may have been for the best, as early that afternoon I was suddenly completely congested and had a scratchy throat.
So I’ve spent my four days off mouth-breathing, sleeping, reading, and watching too much TV. I could’ve given up my days off and gone to work, but I’ve felt so much mental and emotional strain over the past two weeks, i just couldn’t do it. By the time I got to the end of last week every time my email pinged it was like, “WHAT NOW?!” There was a constant barrage of crises to be solved, or not solved, and everyone seemed to be unhappy about everything. I couldn’t wait to slam my computer shut and be done with it for a few days (and I didn’t even get to slam it shut until 10:30 pm after a 14-hour day, so yeah.)
Before my cold set in, I did have an absolutely stellar Saturday. I was due to meet D. in the evening at the Art Institute for the Pitchfork Midwinter thing, and then B. asked me if I wanted to meet her downtown in the afternoon, so I got to spend a full day and evening in the company of dear, beautiful friends, hear some great music, enjoy legendary art, and only occasionally have angry work thoughts intrude on my good time. It was the best day in a long time. Bonus points: Ladytron also released a new album that day.
I think my body just gave up the ghost on Monday when I decided not to go to Mom’s and said, “Ok, we have the all-clear to get sick now.” I had free time all laid out before me and the energy to do… absolutely nothing. Which is probably the point. I still don’t think I’ve completely relaxed. Between naps and episodes of Drunk History I’ve been thinking about work a lot, and how I need to adapt my own thought processes to survive this situation until I can change my situation. There are also things happening that may change the situation around me, too. So there’s some wait and see, but also some active measures I need to take.
I wish there was a healthy way to have a split personality. I need a work personality and a not-work personality and a firewall between them. I spend way too much time thinking about work when I’m not there and I’d rather not. The phrase, “it’s business, it’s not personal” keeps coming to mind and I wish I could implement it in my own life, but I’ve never understood how that works. I guess I’m not enough of a sociopath. When someone criticizes you but tells you not to take it personally, how do you do that? If I’ve done something wrong, it’s because I messed up, I didn’t make the right decision, I didn’t follow the right process, I made the wrong choices, or didn’t follow through properly. How should I NOT take that personally? Seriously, if someone can explain that to me, please do.
I suppose it’s equally messed up to assume I will never make a mistake or never have to be criticized for doing something wrong and I should get over myself. No mistakes means no opportunities for growth, right? Ugh, I feel like I’ve been having a growth spurt for the past two years and it’s painful, can I stop for awhile?